@WarrenHolstein

FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.

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@novicefather

This guy just climbed through a thicket of waist-high shrubbery to avoid walking past me.

That’s the kind of anti-social I aspire to be.

@jrdnlk

Ways Ryan Gosling and I are similar: 1. Up to date on our vaccinations 2. I dunno, that’s probably it and I’m not sure about that first one.

@J_Dazzle76

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

@daemonic3

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

@hidingfromme

Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of “going to the gym in 2013.”

@Talkative_Julie

It’s not like I can let everyone on facebook know that I am actually a sexually deprived, unshaven, drunken mess.

So I tell everyone here.

@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

@AristotlesNZ

I speak both universal languages:

1. English
2. Louder & slower English