FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
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Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.