FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
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This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Every. Damn. Time.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I get distracted pretty eas