Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

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Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off


[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice


Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.


So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?


According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.


Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes


just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go


Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.