Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
You Might Also Like
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Wikigenius
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together