Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
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[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.