@PaperWash

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

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@TheAlexNevil

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

@ThugRaccoons

[visiting southern France]

Me: This is Nice

Wife: It’s pronounced Nice

Me: I said Nice

Wife: No, you said Nice

Me: Nice

Wife: Nice

*69 minutes later*

Me: Niiiiiiice

@sixfootcandy

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

@Vice_Queen

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

@TylerLinkin

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.

@CrockettForReal

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

@KenJennings

just said “Deep Homo” by accident instead of “Home Depot” & am tryingnto laugh it off oops they’re watching me tweet now gotta go

@primawesome

Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.