Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

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Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.

Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.


friend: whats the matter

me: just found out i have a latex allergy

friend: oh shit that means you can’t-

me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons


Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!


GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.


Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?


Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.


I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.


Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work


My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.


Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.