Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
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friend: whats the matter
me: just found out i have a latex allergy
friend: oh shit that means you can’t-
me: *tearing up* eat anymore balloons
Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.