Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
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One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.