Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
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Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.