How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
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– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[someone compliments me]
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes
OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”
ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*
OBAMA: [softly] holy shit
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.