@SardonicTart

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

You Might Also Like

@dinnersruined

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

@CatsVsHumanity

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

@petemandik

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

@CVTBaby

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

@CherBear162

Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.

@envydatropic

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

@bonehugsnirony

[someone compliments me]
Me: thanks
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes

@cool_as_heck

OBAMA: your resume says you think of the “best nicknames?”

ME: that’s right, Obama-nable snowman *finger guns*

OBAMA: [softly] holy shit

@hellohappy_time

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.