[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Who’s your best friend?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It鈥檚 me, I鈥檓 the remote start.
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
my name if I was in the mob
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 馃枻
If you don鈥檛 wear pants, you鈥檒l never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don鈥檛 tell me being a mom isn鈥檛 cool.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?