Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it