FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
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If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
“The Perfect Relationship”
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.