How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
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When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
* thinks of a tweet before falling asleep
* decided to remember a “key word* so I can remember it
* wakes up
* forgot key word
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
It’s super neat of my body to keep a second chin around at all times in case I ever lose my first one🙄
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?
Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.