Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
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The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200