Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.

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I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.


Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside


You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out


FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.


Writing about 2 dinosaurs who hate crime. They make motorcycles & badges from the meteorite that killed their dino buds. Called TriceraCOPS!


I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.


Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.


I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.