Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
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If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.