@SteveSuckington

Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

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@iwearaonesie

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

@justaride

please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS

@16bitbulbasaur

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

@Rockenden

If ever you’re feeling down, and I can’t be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.

@Book_Krazy

Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?

@DamonHunzeker

If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.

@peachesanscream

You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

@zachv86

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.

@howe007

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.