Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up

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me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No


please tell me that when we defeat ISIS they will have to become WASWAS


[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u


If ever you’re feeling down, and I can’t be there to do it in person, just imagine me awkwardly patting your shoulder & looking at my watch.


Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.


Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]

Him: How did you get in my house?


If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.


You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:


I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will not mess up this omelet..

I will enjoy my scrambled eggs.


Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.