FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
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[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them