@Token_Geezer

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

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@BoogTweets

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

@VeryLonelyLuke

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

@MildlyClassic

Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn’t drink you back. It doesn’t make sense.

@HansGrubertron

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

@CauseWereGuys

“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.

@Darlainky

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

@_troyjohnson

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

@NicCageMatch

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.