Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
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“I’ll be back!”
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Unfollowing because you didnt get a follow back is like quitting drinking tea because the tea doesn’t drink you back. It doesn’t make sense.
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
“Say hello to my little friend” Great Movie Quote. Terrible bedroom talk.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”
Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.