@aotakeo
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
@Token_Geezer
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
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@aotakeo
@MNateShyamalan
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
@copymama
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
@Sickayduh
This poster that says “Green Day: Sold Out” is right in two ways
@qwertying
A Little girl asked her father: Do all fairy tales begin with Once upon a time? Father: No, some begin with – If elected I promise..
@BunAndLeggings
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
@Roxtalled2
Potential Employer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “In the break room, with my arm stuck in the vending machine.”
@djr_102
If you sit beside me, you’re part of my drumkit.
@PinkCamoTO
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
@VanGobot
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself