@Token_Geezer

Fun Prank:

Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move

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@andrybd

My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.

@dadofbieber

Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.

@I_am_Lukem

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

@_troyjohnson

5yo: “Dad we don’t have a chimney. How will Santa get in?”

Me: Probably through my credit card.

5: what?

Me: what?

@PaulShakeySharp

Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.

@kivtur

To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.

@GreenishDuck

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

@sliver_of

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.