The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
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Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?