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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!