“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants
[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up
“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet