@sara_ashlynn

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

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@jazmasta

[kids party]
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Dad no
“That’s..”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*

@meganamram

They call me the Titanic because I once went down on a bunch of Irish peasants

@garrettbarry70

[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”

@daemonic3

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

@SatansTongue

(Selling my soul)
Just sign here and here
“I should have a lawyer read this”
*a million lawyers crawl through hell*
We have plenty of those

@MomofTeen

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

@pleatedjeans

[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER

@HenpeckedHal

Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.

[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?

@mommajessiec

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

@amselts

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet