Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
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I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]