If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
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When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
How animals would run if they were human
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Oops I deleted….
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.