Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over