@iamledgin

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

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@shawnspree

My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.

“THIS is my wife..”

*looks down at the ground

*sighs

*kicks can

@Stella1070

Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.

@Pro_Jones_

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

@JustAboutGlad

“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.

@seamusmckracken

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

@DirtMcTurd

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

@Shock_Monster

The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.

But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.

@kuusela34

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

@PinkCamoTO

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.