My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public.
“THIS is my wife..”
*looks down at the ground
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
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Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
“Who am I?” – Descartes.
“Why am I?” – Camus.
“What am I?” – Chopped Liver.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
The bravest thing you can do is change & the weakest is to settle for comfort.
But, seriously, that remote is really far from the couch.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.