Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
#SaturdayBears
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.