Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
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Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
I hate everything
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.