[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
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My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
i- i did not expect this
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.