@PerryFellow

“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

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@_TeaChap

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

@TheFunnyWorId

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.

@UnderTheJewFro

I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit.

@Jandalize

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

@CulturedRuffian

No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.

@jenlaw_11

Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.

@lawbsterfest

Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum

@Ivsy01

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.