“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters

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Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.


Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness?

He pastaway.

Cannoli do so much.

Now hes just a pizza history.


I was starving earlier so I opened up a beanbag chair. There were no beans, only styrofoam. Im furious, Im hungry and I have nowhere to sit.


I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.


No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.


Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.


Better names for porcupines:

Needle Beaver
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Death otter
Revenge Possum


Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.