“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
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My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL