Doggo Halloween stories….
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
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me: we had a baby
friend: what was the weight?
me: about 9 months
GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.
I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Who said losing weight was difficult?
“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
This is the only criticism of millenials I will accept