[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

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GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, “I care for you. Don’t do this”.

I’m still working on what to reply to my GF.


DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on


(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay


Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.


Who said losing weight was difficult?

“Hello Blood Center? How much longer before I can donate another pint?”


I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.