I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
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Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Things I Suck At:
1. straws, ha ha jk lol
2. Parallel parking, no seriously, I’m really terrible at this
3. straws, haha same joke as before
I have a job crushing pop cans. It’s soda pressing.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Me: Baby-proofed the house like you wanted
Me: Ya. Locks, fence, barbed wire, the works
Me: No way a baby’s gettin in here.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”