ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
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ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’