@ElliotHetherton

[Funeral]

He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”

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@PleaseBeGneiss

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

@mdob11

*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*

@WildeThingy

Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”

@Illiter8

What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?

@Tryptofantastic

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

@Dahmerscookpot

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@mack44_d

*phone rings*

Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’

Me: ‘Could you do it?’