[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
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Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I am patiently waiting for your email