[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
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hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés