Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
You Might Also Like
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
mood
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.