@Reverend_Scott

[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*

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@xLiserx

Me: 6 tacos, please.
Him: This is an ice cream truck.
Me: 6 tacos & a swirl cone.
Him: We don’t serve tacos.
Me: Your taco truck is broken.

@krisv_723

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

@RdrJay47

[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]

“May I have this dance?”

[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]

@Matt_the_1st

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

@Henry_3000

Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.

@internetluke

Being a software engineer is pretty cool because I can just stare at my screen/zone out & if anybody questions me I say I’m optimizing code

@JennyPentland

“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”

@krisv_723

Carol learned a hard lesson the day she forgot the word berry when googling blueberry waffle recipes.

@Holy_Mowgli

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

@WheelTod

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins