[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
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I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.