@DurtMcHurtt

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

[funeral]

Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…

- @DurtMcHurtt

You Might Also Like

@Dis0beyJay

*First Date*
Friend: Women like a little rebellion in a guy
Me:Ok
*Later*
Her: So, tell me about your day?
Me: I don’t have to tell you shit

@rockymomax

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

@T_Bonezzz_

The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it

@BillyCorben

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

@shawnries

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

@BoogTweets

Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?

Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*

@MummaCrazy

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

@juliussharpe

I don’t understand why people always fight becoming a zombie or vampire. Both seem awesome because you don’t have to have a job.

@TheCatWhisprer

WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?

ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools