[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
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My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
True freaking story!