ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room


Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁


Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud


“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words


You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.


Advice from a gas station attendant in Tennessee to avoid Coronavirus: “take a shot of Wild Turkey 101 before bed. It kills everything.”


My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.


Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.


I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.


The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.