@bornmiserable

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead

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@MantisBlue

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

@daemonic3

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

@ItsAndyRyan

Sigmund Freud: I fell over

Me: A Freudian slip?

Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass

Me: Is it a bit of a pane?

Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune

Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud

@BeeeejEsq

“Hm. Does this razor-edged boomerang spark joy?”
– Marie Kondo’s last words

@TheWinegasm

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

@Olivianuzzi

Advice from a gas station attendant in Tennessee to avoid Coronavirus: “take a shot of Wild Turkey 101 before bed. It kills everything.”

@TheAlexNevil

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

@CrockettForReal

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

@Darlainky

I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.

@Piecezilla

The weatherman said it’s nice outside. I guess they don’t let him watch the rest of the news.