@bornmiserable
@PinkCamoTO
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
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@PinkCamoTO
@VeryLonelyLuke
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
@thatUPSdude
Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
@tarashoe
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
@michaelianblack
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
@Gone_girl4
Me: I want you…
I need you…Sleep: No.
@DonovanConvery
If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.
@junejuly12
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
@EllaZee5
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce