@bornmiserable

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

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@PinkCamoTO

“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”

*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*

@VeryLonelyLuke

Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.

Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.

Me:

Rey: Look. I still have two hands.

@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@tarashoe

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@DonovanConvery

If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.

@junejuly12

Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.

@EllaZee5

Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce

Waitress: mayo?

Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce