[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
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People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
The point of your 20s
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Actually cracking up @ this
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”