“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
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Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
Me: I want you…
I need you…
If I had the power to time travel, I would mostly just use it to stop past me from eating stuff from the fridge that I’d like to eat now.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce