[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???