“My cute what?”
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
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Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Apparently, when your boss asks you to get a cake for a coworker’s 60th birthday, ‘cake’ is not code for ‘stripper.’
Live & learn, guys.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I wish IKEA was more like Lego.. on the back of the box it would show you 4 other things you could make from the same materials.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies