[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
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I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*