[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
You Might Also Like
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Doggies just call it style.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here