[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
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A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“you changed” bro i was 15
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.