I see that your IQ test came back negative.
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I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*