If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
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I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
#Caturday
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat