Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
💯😂
i wish i could marry a nap
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
When I grow up, I want to be 16
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?