@WheelTod

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

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@Cheeseboy22

If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.

@FuckabillyRex

“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”

@SaltyCorpse

“I like your face” sounds less creepy in your head than it does outloud.

@KalvinMacleod

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

@prodigalsam

They should give the girls who don’t get a rose on The Bachelor a cat.

@newLettuce

Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.

Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17

@lecalabara

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

@junejuly12

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.

@pleatedjeans

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

@CornOnTheGoblin

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?