Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

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Sorry I reported your newborn’s pic on FB but nudity is nudity


*walks into a dollar store*

excuse me, where would I find the dollars?


6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.


I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.


Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*



“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.


People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”


Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt


Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*


Spain 🤝 Spanish hymn

Turkey 🤝 Turkish hymn

Ireland 🤝 Irish hymn

Mortal combat 🤝 Finnish hymn