Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
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thank god the sign was there
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??