dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
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A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
True
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright