[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
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I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.