funny guys are dangerous they make you laugh and laugh then boom they hit you with a shovel and throw you in a ditch
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“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I don’t need therapy. I just barked at a pedestrian crossing the street. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
This is amazing.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.