Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Funny how arguing works. We’re all “You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume”
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
I won’t sugarcoat something unless I’m eating it
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*