Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Funny how arguing works. We’re all “You clearly disagree with me, so I will now repeat my point with steadily increasing levels of volume”
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We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.
WAITER: Your honor, when I said “enjoy your meal” he said “you too”
ME: it was a mistake
JUDGE: he gets half your meal
J: you too
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.