I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
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About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.