[locksmith finishes replacing my lock]
ME: so how do i know you won’t come in later and steal stuff?
LOCKSMITH: *looks around the inside of my house* i wouldn’t worry about it
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Me putting in eye drops:
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.