Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
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“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.