@UnFitz

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

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@ArfMeasures

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

@VintageBabe1212

Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.

@lovemydogduck

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

@Freak0nIine

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

@3sunzzz

Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.

Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.

Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?

@HallpassCanada

If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money

@KevinFarzad

FYI guys: If a girl plays w/ her hair while talking to u, it means she has an itchy scalp, possibly lice. Stay away, it is very contagious.

@_emilyoram

Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼