Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Just me and my debit card against the world
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.