Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
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Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
There is no cool way to chase after a ping pong ball.
“Well, congrats. You’re a homeowner now. Any questions?”
“Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn’t the Decepticons just bid on em?”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”