@thatdutchperson

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

You Might Also Like

@Ndeshi_M

Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

@Pierre__4

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

@Sickayduh

“Well, congrats. You’re a homeowner now. Any questions?”

“Yeah. Sam put those glasses on eBay, why didn’t the Decepticons just bid on em?”

@TheHyyyype

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

@Carbosly

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

@daemonic3

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang

@DanLaMorte

“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”

Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”