I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.