Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
When you let grandma cat sit
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.